The constellation of relationships in my personal universe seem to be changing. It seems a little different from the usual dance of some folk coming in and some folk leaving; of some folk moving closer and some folk moving away. In some ways it feels like a contraction is taking place. What I do know is this introvert is having even more difficulty finding the energy to keep up with folks I care about. I know part of this could be the result of my delight with the primary relationship I'm in. I do so like spending time with this marvelous woman. I know, too, part of it is my focus on riding. I thrive on the feelings of sanity and wholeness riding brings to me. At times it feels like my world is getting smaller, yet if so, it is definitely different than the way I closed in on myself in the months and years after the head injury. So, it is a mystery. Perhaps it is simply a shifting and a sorting out.
Last night I cognitively decomposed at J C Penny's. I went there to buy a pair of pants. Simple, yes? No. Actually, it was rather simple until I went to check out. The clerk kept asking me questions and giving me choices. I'm sure she thought she was being helpful, but she wasn't. Too many options led to overwhelm, which led to confusion, which ended in complete befuddlement and frustration. I froze up and just kept saying, "I can't do this. I can't do this," over and over and over again. Fortunately, Heather was with me. She had the clerk cancel the sale and got me out of there.
I am happy that these episodes happen quite infrequently now. Their frequency has radically decreased since I began riding. There are times when I begin to think that perhaps I'm back to being my old normal self, but then along comes a reminder like the one last night--a reminder that I am who I am now.
I've learned on those days when I'm having a "bad brain day", a day when I struggle to get my thoughts moving in a good orderly direction, going for a ride brings a clarity and order to my cognitive chaos. Last night after the episode at Penny's I probably should have gone for a ride, but honestly, I didn't think of it. It still strikes me as being rather counter-intuitive that it could be a good idea to ride when my mind is so muddled, yet it is. Oh well, another mystery of this life I'm living.