As I write this it is mid-afternoon Friday. Yesterday, I had one of my "episodes". How shall I describe an "episode"? It is sort of "seizure-ish", but not quite. I used to lose memory of part of the day. Now? Not so much. People have told me I don't respond to questions, and if I do the answers generally don't make sense. My voice goes emotionally flat. My face is blank, but there is a terrified look in my eyes. When I do come to my senses I am always very very weary. And, I shake like someone shivering in the cold. These "episodes" have been a part of my life since the concussion in 1999.
Now as I write it is clear my thinking is returning to a more linear pattern. Earlier in the day this wasn't the case. Yet, still when I go to speak words occasionally have trouble finding their way from my mind to my lips. That said, I'm functioning well enough for what I do.
When I ride I seem to be able to access a different part of my brain then when doing my normal day to day stuff. For this reason I wanted to go for a ride during my lunch hour, but it didn't work out. Before I began riding, driving took me close to this experience. I always felt safe from my episodes while driving. And, I feel even safer when riding a motorcycle. Ironic, eh? When I drive I have a sense of being present. When I ride it seems the "I have" disappears and what remains is just "being present."
Since yesterday my brain has been fragile, fragmented and fidgety. Organizing thoughts has been what I imagine it would be like to herd a bunch of feral cats spooked out of their wits. Oh well, I'm making it through work. What had to be done today got done.
Before long it will be time to ride home. It will be a relief to let the cats in my head go and just ride. Later, I will make some music with friends. Later still, it will just be Heather and me. It will be then that I will surrender to the bone crushing fatigue I have been experiencing today. . . that I always experience as an aftermath of one of my cognitive meltdowns.
Tomorrow, unless the Life of All the Worlds has other plans for me, I think me wee chariot and I are going to do some exploring.
|Me and my Yayli Tanbur.|